I am shocked at how long it’s been since I posted anything on my blog or website. In October of 2019 I arrived home to discover my husband’s asbestos poisoning had turned into lung cancer. In January of 2020, the Pulmonologist suggested that my husband be put under Hospice Care.
Stunned! We knew his time was limited, but Hospice? Bill had been told he would have 7 years to live with he was first diagnosed. An asbestos lawsuit began and ended a month before his death.
How do you handle a death sentence? Especially when it is so final…no hope, nothing City of Hope could do…just death and the waiting. Even though you know it’s coming, nothing prepares you for the shock.
Then March 19th, the world shut down with a new disease called COVID. It certainly wouldn’t make a difference in Bill’s life, and I at the time didn’t care about mine either. Our home was open for anyone to come, family and friends alike.
Bill lost weight and breathing became so difficult. But he had his assurance of Salvation with Christ and was not afraid to die. He was only afraid of leaving me. Right up to the day he died, his humor never left him. On May 14, 2020, he entered into heaven.
Sicteen months later, I finally have a desire to blog again, to start another novel, to do a memoir. But the pain of being alone in this upside down COVID world has been beyond my comprehension . Only another widow would understand. My family doesn’t have a clue about my sleepless nights, crying jags, depression so deep I stay in my house for days, unable to face the world. My friends think I should “pick myself up by the bootstraps” and move on. How little they understand until it happens to them.
I’m getting by, finding my way, working on the house, painting, living one day at a time. I wonder, though, will this pain last forever? I still cry at the loss of my grandparents and parents years after. A song, a line in a book or a poem will stop me in my tracks.
I have to find the humor. It’s difficult. There are several widows who have gone online dating sites and suggested I do so. It makes me laugh. Men my age want a young chick or a nurse and a purse. Not interested. My husband and I had a unique relationship even our children don’t know. They have no idea how close we were. Adult children are too preoccupied to see parents for who they are. For the deep pain and crazy laughter we shared. They see us as “parents.” Never as a real human being with emotions and dreams, and struggles.
So I move forward as best I can…one day at a time…trying to find myself again, who I need to be now that I’m alone. I’m trying. This simple blog is the first step. Nothing exciting, but I am doing it.
COVID also took away my chance for travel. But I’ll talk about that another time.
To all of you who have lost a spouse, I’m here. Tell me your stories. Share your hurts. Encourage me. I’ll try to encourage you.